What to include?
The service is for the person who died and for the people left behind. It is important to consider the wishes and needs of both. Did the person leave any written guidance about the content of the service? Did they ever discuss the subject? If not, did they have any favourite hymns or songs, or poems and readings?
If you don’t know their wishes and are looking for ideas, you can seek advice and suggestions from family and friends as well as religious ministers or funeral directors. In addition, many books and websites have suggestions for funerals, including conventional and more alternative styles. Please see Further information: Information and advice about funerals.
Some people are not sure what is appropriate or allowed in a funeral or memorial service, especially if they do not hold religious beliefs or are not having a religious service. In a religious setting such as a church or churchyard, you may have to follow some guidelines or requirements (though you do not have to have a vicar to conduct a funeral in a churchyard - see Burial). A non-denominational setting such as a local authority cemetery or crematorium may also have guidelines but is usually more accommodating. Once you have taken any guidelines into account, do what you think and feel is right.
If you require a religious ceremony, or if you need advice about any guidelines or requirements for a service in a religious setting, you should seek advice from a minister or a representative of that particular religion. They may be able to advise on the content of the service including any hymns, readings and music for the different stages of the service. If you are not a member of a religion, or do not regularly attend a place of worship, the funeral director (if you are using one) should be able to suggest a local contact. If you require a non-religious ceremony, the funeral director (if you are using one) should be able to help with a local contact. The British Humanist Association can also provide advice - see Further information: Advice on religious or secular services.
It is not necessary to have a formal service at the funeral if the person who died did not wish to have one, or if you prefer not to. Some suitable music and a few carefully chosen words from you, another relative or a friend can be just as appropriate.
Alternatively, you can combine some religious or traditional elements with more informal and personal contributions. For instance, a religious representative can start and end the service, and lead the mourners in prayer or reflection, while family and friends provide the eulogy (a speech about the person who has died) or take turns to speak about the person.
If you are planning to speak, it may be a good idea to write out what you want to say beforehand because your emotions might cause you to lose track of your words.
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Music
Music is often an important part of a service or event. It is generally used for the arrival of friends and family, for the committal (when the coffin is lowered into the ground in a burial or when it leaves the sight of the mourners in a cremation) and when people depart. In addition, many services include hymns or songs. If you are using a funeral director, they should be able to advise you on suitable choices if you need help. Alternatively, books and websites can provide suggestions.
These days some crematoria and other locations may ask you to choose music that they can download instead of bringing along your own CDs. However, if this presents a problem (for instance, if you want music that isn’t available online, perhaps a personal composition or old record), ask if you can take your own.
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Including children in the arrangements and service
It can help children or young people if you include them in the arrangements for the funeral. Give them time to make choices about attending the funeral and how they want to be involved, and explain what will happen on the day. Remember that it’s fine for them to see you upset since it helps them to understand the importance of what is happening. Do make sure it’s clear who will provide support for them on the day.
Children and young people may find it comforting to put something in the coffin such as a card, a toy, a picture they have drawn, a photo or a letter – adults may also want to put in something. If the coffin is being cremated, your funeral director (if you are using one) or the crematorium staff will be able to advise you about what items may or may not be included. There are some restrictions because of requirements regarding safety and emissions.
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Including someone with dementia, a mental illness or learning disability in the arrangements and service
The grief of someone with dementia, a mental illness or learning disability is often misunderstood or ignored. They may struggle to understand the news that someone they loved has died. Do encourage them to ask questions about anything they don’t understand.
They may well also forget that you have told them and you may need to tell them again and again that the person has died. However, you may feel it is inappropriate to keep reminding them of something so distressing since they may never be able to remember it and you may find yourself feeling grateful if they are spared some of the grief of losing someone.
Be guided by what they say and ask. If they are asking for the person who has died, you will need to say something to explain why the person is not there, though there may be times when you sidestep the issue. Don’t feel guilty if you do so – it can be very stressful for you to keep having to tell them. If they mention the person as though they are still alive, you may be able to join in the conversation and reminisce without reminding them that the person has died.
You may also wonder whether to spare them the funeral if they have forgotten someone close has died. Consider what they would do if they could choose for themselves – would they want the opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one? They may be able to take part in the rituals of the funeral and may grasp the significance of the occasion while it’s happening. You may want to say something on their behalf if they cannot do so.
It may distress you to see them grieving if they have been unaware of their loss beforehand, but you may find it comforting afterwards that they were able to express their grief and share it with you for a short time.
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