In a religious setting such as a church or churchyard, there may be guidelines or requirements you have to follow. A nondenominational setting such as a local authority cemetery or crematorium may also have guidelines but is usually more accommodating. Once you have taken any guidelines into account, do feel free to do what you think is right. Seek advice if you feel unsure - this can be from family or friends and not just a minister or funeral director.
If you require a religious ceremony, or if you need advice about any guidelines or requirements for a service in a religious setting, you may need to seek advice from a minister of that religion.
If you are not a member of or do not regularly attend a place of worship, the funeral director (if you are using one) should be able to suggest a local contact. Alternatively, contact details for a number of religious organisations can be found in the Further information: for advice on religious or secular services section.
If appropriate for the religion, the minister may be able to advise on the content of the service including any hymns, your choice of readings and music for the different stages of the service.
If you require a non-religious ceremony, the funeral director (if you are using one) should be able to help with a local contact. The British Humanist Association can also provide advice (please see contact details in the Further information: for advice on religious or secular services section).
It is not necessary to have a formal service at the funeral if the person who died did not wish to have one, or if you prefer not to. Some suitable music and a few carefully chosen words from you, another relative or a friend can be just as appropriate.
Alternatively, you can combine some religious or traditional elements with more informal and personal contributions. For instance, a religious minister can start and end the service, and lead the mourners in prayer or reflection, while family and friends provide the eulogy (a speech about the person who has died) or take turns to speak about the deceased.
If you are planning to speak, it may be a good idea to write out what you want to say beforehand because your emotions might cause you to lose track of your words.
Music is often an important part of a service. It is generally used for the arrival of mourners, for the committal (where the coffin is lowered into the ground in a burial or where it leaves the sight of the mourners in a cremation) and when people depart. In addition, many services include hymns or songs.
Many people find choosing music to be an important part of personalising the service, and the deceased may have expressed their own wishes about music. If you are using a funeral director, they should be able to advise you on suitable choices if you need help.
Please see the Further information: information and advice about funerals section for further sources of information for both conventional and more alternative styles of funeral.
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Including children
It can be helpful to include children or young people in the arrangements for the funeral, giving them time to make choices about attending the funeral and how they want to be involved, and explaining what will happen at the service.
Remember that it’s fine for them to see you upset. Do make sure it’s clear who will provide support for them on the day.
Children and young people may find it comforting to put something in the coffin such as a card, a toy, a picture they have drawn, a photo or a letter – adults may also want to put in something. If the coffin is being cremated, your undertaker (if you are using one) or the crematorium will be able to advise you about what items may or may not be included. There are some restrictions because of requirements regarding safety and emissions from crematoria.
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Including someone with dementia, a mental illness or learning disability
The grief of someone with dementia, a mental illness or learning disability is often misunderstood or ignored. They may struggle to understand the news that a loved one has died. Do encourage them to ask questions about anything they don’t understand.
They may well also forget that you have told them. As with young children, you may need to tell them again and again that the person has died. However, you may feel it is inappropriate to keep reminding them of something so distressing since they may never be able to remember it, and you may find yourself feeling grateful if they are spared some of the grief of losing someone.
Be guided by what they say and ask – if they are asking for the person who has died, you will need to say something to explain why the person is not there, though there may be times when you sidestep the issue. Don’t feel guilty if you do so - it can be very stressful for you to keep having to tell them. If they mention the person as though they are still alive, you may be ble to join in the conversation and reminisce without reminding them that the person has died.
You may also wonder whether to spare them the funeral if they have forgotten someone close has died. Consider what they would do if they could choose for themselves - would they want the opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one?
They may be able to take part in the rituals of the funeral, and may grasp the significance of the occasion while it’s happening. It may distress you to see them grieving if they have been unaware of their loss beforehand, but you may find it comforting afterwards that they were able to express their grief and share it with you for a short time.
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