What is grief?
Grief is a natural process that can take place after any kind of loss. It refers to the emotional distress that occurs after the death of a loved one. Everyone reacts to bereavement in their own way and there is no ‘normal’ way to feel and, no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to react. Losing someone can create a wide range of needs, including practical, financial, and social needs as well as spiritual and emotional ones.
Why do bereaved people often feel lonely or isolated?
Although people may have support from family, friends, neighbours, or work colleagues, many people, of all ages, report feeling lonely or isolated after bereavement. People may feel lonely or isolated because not only did they lose someone special, they lost someone who helped to link them with their network of family and friends, and gave them a sense of belonging.
Of course, while loneliness may be straightforwardly due to missing the person who has died, there can be other factors. Some people, particularly those who have lost a partner, may have to adjust to living alone, or becoming a single parent. They may miss sharing the day’s events with the person who has died or may miss their physical presence or loving tenderness.
Isolation can also stem from other people’s lack of insight into the depth of loss, and a lack of tolerance or understanding of a need to grieve in a person’s own time and own way. It can be hard for other people to grasp the full impact of bereavement. Some may presume that things are more or less back to normal in a matter of weeks. Others may not know what to say, or may fear upsetting the person if they acknowledge the bereavement, so they avoid the subject or even avoid the person.
Why do some friendships change after bereavement?
Some people who have been bereaved may find it difficult to maintain friendships. This may happen when people’s friends do not react the way they would like them to, or they may feel hurt or let down by friends.
Some people, particularly those who have lost a partner, may find they are no longer invited to social events – perhaps because it is thought they may feel out of place on their own, or sometimes even because they are perceived as a ‘threat’ to other couples.
On the other hand, they may no longer accept invitations to attend events as they become acutely aware that we live in a couple-orientated world, where they often feel like the ‘odd one out’.
Other people may find it easier to make new friends or go to new places, where they do not feel under pressure to talk about the person who has died or how they are feeling about their loss.
It is important that in time bereaved people try new things and get to know new people – meeting new people can bring rewards. Whilst it takes great energy and courage to reach out and build new relationships, many bereaved people discover warmth and kindness in the most unexpected places and from people they may not even know very well.
What if I’m worried that people are fed up of hearing about my loss?
You may need to discuss your grief again and again, and you may be worried about burdening the same few people with your concerns. You may even find that some people seem uneasy about discussing your grief. But it is important that you allow yourself time to grieve and that you express your emotions.
You may find that sometimes your feelings change according to the time and place, and depending on your mood. This is natural so try not to worry about it. Be prepared for good and bad days.
You can look to a wide range of people for support: family, friends, and professionals if necessary. This may also help you explore everything you need to – for instance, there may be some subjects you don’t want to discuss with family but can discuss with a trusted friend or a professional.
Accept help from others, take care of yourself and keep to some sort of regular routine.
What do I say if a friend or colleague has been bereaved?
If you know someone who has been bereaved, you may want to let them know that you are thinking about them. You may want to comfort them but find it difficult to find the right words, or you may not know how to deal with how they express their emotions. It is important that you do not avoid them, that you invite them out to social events and that you show genuine concern, and allow them to talk about their loss and how they are feeling. You also need to be patient, allow them to grieve at their own pace and accept that they may need to discuss the subject of their loss many times.
