Whether you’ve been caring for your friend or family member for weeks or years, it may have become the focus of your life. When your role as a carer changes or the person you care for dies, you may be surprised at how big an adjustment it can be. We share ways of coping with this change and where you can get emotional support.
Coping with feelings
You experience a major change in your life when your care role changes or ends. It can take a while to adjust. Carers often feel a range of emotions over months or years that follow, including:
- loneliness because they’ve put their social life on hold
- sadness and grief for the person they cared for
- exhaustion and in poor health after putting their own health last
- emptiness or numbness
- guilt or regret if they can no longer care for the person
- lacking in purpose
- resentful for the things they’ve missed out on while caring
- relief or calmness when they no longer have care responsibilities.
Sometimes the difficult emotions of caring and grief can feel like or change into depression. Common symptoms of depression like feeling tired, forgetful and losing your appetite could be caused by the extra demands of caring. It can help to talk about how you feel.
Try talking to someone you trust, your GP or the Samaritans on 116 123.
Or call our free Support Line on 0800 090 2309.
Watch: How does grief feel?Watch: How does grief feel?
People share their experiences of grief, including feelings of shock, anger, anxiety and loneliness.
Adjusting to a new routine
When you’ve had a regular routine, it can seem strange when you no longer need to be home at a certain time or get up in the middle of the night.
If you’re visiting the person you cared for, remember that you’re still playing a big part in their life. You’re still caring if you’re providing emotional support.
It can take time to adjust physically and mentally. You may find you experience:
- tiredness and problems with your sleeping pattern
- a lack of motivation and difficulty finding a new routine
- changes to your appetite.
Speak with your GP if you feel unwell or find it difficult to eat or sleep.
Being gentle with yourself
Be gentle and give yourself some time to adjust. Try to focus on the people and things that make you feel good.
Sometimes carers find they no longer have the same interest in activities they used to enjoy, or that they rush into lots of new activities and social groups too quickly. You might still feel isolated, even within a group.
There may be times of year when you miss being with the person you cared for more than usual. Those closest to you may not understand what you’re going through. It can help to speak with others who are in similar situations to you. Online forums and virtual chats can be a good way to connect with others. You could try:
Reflecting and looking back
Some people find that it helps to reflect and look back on their experiences as a carer. You may be surprised at how well you coped, the skills you developed, and the good times you had even when things were tough.
It’s likely you’ll have shared experiences with the person you were caring for that no one else knows about. Looking at photos or writing down your memories can help bring those times to life again. Talking with other people who knew them well can also help to keep memories alive.
Finding a new focus
Caring for someone can become a big part of your identity. It’s natural to feel a sense of loss when it changes or ends. While you do not need to rush to fill that space with new activities, it can help to think about your needs and what you’d like to do with your time when you’re ready.
You may want to return to the life you had before caring or decide on a fresh start. You could think about:
- joining a club or taking part in a new social activity
- learning a new skill
- travelling
- starting a new job or returning to your old one
- volunteering.
Carers often find they’ve developed lot of new skills, like:
- being well-organised
- problem-solving
- coping under pressure
- multi-tasking.
Take time to reflect on your skills and if there could be opportunities for you to make use of them.
Ask your family and friends for ideas if you’re not sure what skills you have or how you’d like to use your time.
Taking the next step
When you’re ready to find a new focus, there are plenty of organisations and free online resources that can help you.
Paid work
If you plan to go back to work, you could contact your nation's career service for support such as course finders, help with your CV, or a skills assessment.
- England: contact the National Careers Service.
- Wales: contact Careers Wales.
- Scotland: contact Skills Development Scotland.
- Northern Ireland: contact the Careers Service.
Here are some other ways you could find support with work:
- Check with your HR department if there are refresher courses you could take.
- Ask your local Jobcentre Plus about programmes and work trials in your area (if you're in England, Wales, or Scotland).
- Ask your local Jobs and Benefits about accessing training, work experience, and job programmes (if you're in Northern Ireland).
- Find what support is available if you have your own business or would like to start one.
- Check what grants are available to do a course.
Volunteering
You could try looking for voluntary roles.
Leisure time
Now could be a good time to make new friends, try new things or travel. You could try:
- learning through places like the Open University or The Third Age Trust (u3a)
- meeting people through organised events in your area
- looking for organised trips through charity organisations.