Supporting your partner when they’re grieving can feel challenging. You might be trying to manage your own feelings while being there for your partner. You may both be experiencing feelings of grief. Or feel like the bereavement is affecting you in different ways.
On this page, we talk about how to support a partner who’s grieving, why they might push you away, and how to look after yourself too.
Ways to support your partner when they’re grieving
It can be hard to see someone you care for feel sad – or to be different to how they were before. And as their partner, it’s natural to want to help them feel better or manage their grief.
We’ve shared some ideas on how to support a partner who’s grieving. Each person and relationship is different. So, use what you know about your partner to support them in a way that they might find helpful.
Help with more shared responsibilities or daily tasks
This might be by doing things like picking up the shopping, walking the dog, or doing the dishes. Or it could be by helping with some of the practical things that need doing after someone has died.
Be prepared that their emotions might change frequently
It’s natural for someone to feel emotions like anger, anxiety, numbness, or guilt after a bereavement. You’re likely to see your partner have lots of mixed emotions, which could change quickly. Try not to take this personally. You might not always get it right – and that’s OK.
Try to accept it’s not your role to fix their grief
You’re not responsible for finding a solution to their sadness. It might help to just be there with them, comfort them, and listen to them. You could try asking questions about the person, if they want to talk.
Understand that they may not feel able to do the things they used to
They may find it harder to attend social events, see people, or go to certain places when they’re grieving. Be patient with them, and with yourself too.
Supporting a long-distance partner who’s grieving
Supporting a partner from a distance can have its own challenges. It might feel harder to help with practical things or support them emotionally.
You could try showing them that you care in other ways. For example, by sending a card, or a parcel of things that comfort them. Making regular time to talk could help you to check in on how they’re feeling and understand what support they need.
If you’re worried, or struggling to get in touch with them, consider contacting someone who’s local to check they’re OK.
If your partner is pushing you away
Someone grieving may push others away, lash out or withdraw from relationships. This means they might:
- reject emotional support
- want to spend more time alone
- behave angrily towards you or others.
But try to remember, it’s probably not because of you or something you did. It could be their grief causing them to act differently.
Pushing others away is a natural reaction to grief. Sometimes, the person who’s been bereaved may fear feeling grief again in the future. So, they may distance themselves from those closest to them. They may want to spend time with other people, or do things alone.
Try not to take this personally. Encourage your partner to let you know when they need space or want to talk. Sometimes, being reassuring, or reminding them that you are there for them when they are ready, can feel supportive.
Looking after yourself when your partner is grieving
It’s important to look after your own wellbeing when supporting a grieving partner. Managing your own emotions while supporting someone else can feel overwhelming.
Try to make time for yourself, even if it’s a small amount each week. You could get outside, see a friend, or make time for a hobby. It might help to let your partner know what you’re doing and what time you’ll be back, so they can plan ahead.
You may feel like your grief is not as big or as important as your partner’s. But it’s important to recognise that you have your own emotions to manage too. Be gentle with yourself. And reach out for support when you need it. You could talk to a counsellor, a support service, or connect with others in a similar situation to you.
To talk to someone about how you’re feeling, call the free Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309 or email support@mariecurie.org.uk.
Watch: How can I help someone who's grieving?Watch: How can I help someone who's grieving?
Gen, Scott, Carol and Wendy share ideas on how to support someone who’s grieving, like helping with practical tasks and checking in often.
