What's it like seeing the father you look up to go from former rugby player to unable to walk? During Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, Carleton shares how his dad’s terminal illness affected him and his brother.
My dad's name was Terry. He passed away when he was 81. I grew up with him being just over six foot, a big guy, a former rugby player.
He started to experience some health issues in 2021 and was diagnosed with heart failure and a neuroendocrine tumour. Initially, he was only given a year to live. He did really well to get to 2025.
Fast forward to January 2025 and there were signs that he was starting to go downhill. In February, I got a call from my mum to say that Dad had had a fall in their house, the paramedics were on the way, but could I please come help.
After that, Dad rapidly went downhill. He went back to hospital one last time to see the two doctors that he was under. Dad was told: “Terry, there's nothing more we can do for you, but I'm going to put palliative care in place.” By this time, he couldn’t even walk.
“He went from Dad to a shell of the man he used to be”
The impact on us was immense. He went from Dad, who was always a very mobile, extremely articulate, intelligent man. Who was funny and amazing and just an incredible guy. To suddenly starting to become a shell of who he used to be, in front of your eyes.
Mum was no stranger to the intensive care of a loved one at home. My brother, Dorian, was also incredible. He was there for them, supporting them, shopping and physically caring for Dad.
I was there as much as I could be. The analogy we used at the time was that they were the ‘boots on the ground’ and I 'helicoptered’ in to help the front line when I could.
“It got to the stage where it became too much”
Mum was getting upset and hiding it from Dorian. Dorian was getting upset and hiding it from Mum. Both were hiding it from Dad.
I remember taking Dorian to Morrisons to get some chocolate milk that Dad liked. I’m sitting in the car with my brother, I looked over at him, and he was completely in bits. He said: “It's just too much. We can't cope. He's dying in front of our eyes and there's nothing we can do.”
Seeing my brother cry is not something I've been used to. And that’s not in any macho sense. We're not like that. It's just naturally something we've never seen. But now I see my brother completely break down, and I thought: ‘Oh my God, how am I going to be?’.
"Marie Curie were amazing. They stepped up to the plate"
The first person from Marie Curie who visited us was Mary. She came to us on Friday 28 February to see what Dad's needs were.
She asked Dad several questions and he was able to answer them without a problem. When she visited Dad again on 5 March, Mary was visibly upset to see how much he had deteriorated.
She was very supportive and gave me a card with her phone number. After that, we received visits from Marie Curie daily. To dress him, to change his dressings and to make sure that he was properly comfortable in bed.
“I'm not religious in any way, but they were like angels”
The way they cared for him was incredible! It was a real sense of: ‘wow, we've got a break when they come in’.
When they were in the house, there was nothing you couldn't ask them. It was like an amazing mix of compassion, humour and empathy. It was just what we all needed – certainly what Mum and Dorian needed!
Dad said he wished to pass away at home. On Sunday 9 March, he passed away in his sleep, at home.
“Grief is terrible. But it’s an important part of the process”
Since Dad passed away, my analogy is that I am currently in a boat on the sea and there's a shark that's going around and every now and again the shark’s fin comes out. And when the fin comes out, that’s when it hits me hard. But that grief is under there all the time.
Grief, it's a terrible thing, really, because it can come at any time. But it’s an important part of the process that you can't deny. If you deny it, that's when things really start to fall apart.
Jack's courageous skydive raised £500 in honour of his grandad Terry
“My son bravely skydived in his grandad’s name”
My son, Jack, had wanted to do a skydive for some time.
When Dad passed away, I said: “Why doesn't it become a sponsored event?” Jack thought it was a fantastic idea to do the jump in his grandad’s name.
Jack had an amazing time. He was so brave at only 16. He absolutely loved it and said afterwards he'd do that again in a heartbeat.
Need to talk? We're here for you
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