“The pandemic has changed the way we grieve”
The way people have been grieving has changed so much in the last year. What's been missing from our lives, in a word, is connection.
The pandemic has struck at the heart of what it means to be human. Physical contact is so important – and it's been denied to so many.
If you've lost your partner of 30 years and you miss their physical presence you can't even have a hug. This 'touch hunger' can feel really intense and is very hard to cope with.
I'm Marie Curie's first COVID Bereavement Counsellor, based at the Marie Curie Hospice, Newcastle . Together with volunteers, I offer bereavement support and counselling over the phone or online to anyone in the community who's been bereaved during this time.
People can sign up for a monthly bereavement support call. There's no short time limit – grief is such a long process, so anything within a year is still quite early.
What we talk about in calls
When people are going through grief they can become pretty cut off from themselves and their needs.
So sometimes the things we talk about are as simple as helping them to eat when they need to eat, and sleep when they need to sleep.
The sessions help people to regroup. There can be a process to find out who you are again after someone who's been a big part of your life and identity has died. We talk about the person who's died, their legacy.
Sometimes people are referred to counselling right after someone they care about dies, but that can be too soon. People need time to find their feet before doing something like this.
Grief can feel like a punch to a gut
Shock is a natural part of grief. But in the last year this has been deepened, as deaths can be very sudden. In times of heightened stress, anger can be more common too.
Grieving is a dual process. One part is dealing with your raw emotion, the other is reconstructive tasks, like meeting with your loved ones, doing things you like. That's not been possible in lockdown. People have fewer anchors. They can't counterbalance their grief.
Reaching out doesn't have to be a big or complicated gesture. A simple message like 'how are you?' or 'thinking of you' can be just as meaningful.
Lockdown will also have a big impact on long term grief. People are dealing with complicated grief right now, which takes much longer to deal with. People can get very stuck.
It's important for me to know my limits
I feel passionately about what I'm doing. It's the right time, right place. I know I can do something to help people who are going through grief. That's what keeps me going – drawing on my professional identity.
Sometimes if a call has been particularly tough, I need to give myself time to regroup. I'll have a cup of tea, go for a walk, take some time away to process it, so I can ready myself for the next call.
It's important for me to know my limits and mix in these calls with other tasks.
Why reaching out makes such a difference
There's an exclusion zone around a bereaved person sometimes. People have said to me that people have crossed the road to avoid speaking to them.
Talking to someone who's grieving can awaken difficult personal emotions in people. And it can be hard to know what to say.
But reaching out doesn't have to be a big or complicated gesture. A simple message like "how are you?" or "thinking of you" can be just as meaningful.
Some people can be limited in their use of technology. They may not have access to a laptop for video calls. But you can still give them a call on the phone, send them a letter or some flowers to let them know you're thinking of them.
If you're struggling with grief or need someone to talk to, you can call Marie Curie's Support Line on 0800 090 2309 for free ongoing support from a trained volunteer.
On 23 March, it'll be one year since the start of UK lockdown. Join us to reflect on our collective loss, support those who've been bereaved, and hope for a brighter future. Find out more about how to get involved in the National Day of Reflection.
