What to say when someone dies

Many of us worrry about what to say when someone dies.

You might be worried about saying the wrong thing. Maybe you’re worried about upsetting the person who’s been bereaved. Or you may feel like there’s nothing you can say that can help.

However, we know from people who’ve been bereaved, how important it can be to hear from others at this time.

If you avoid getting in touch with someone who’s been bereaved, they might think you do not care about them, or about the person who died. They may feel like they’re alone with their grief — and that they’re now different from everyone else.

Do what feels right for you and for what you know about the person who’s been bereaved.

If you know them well, you may just want to call. Or you could message first and ask if there’s a good time to call or visit. It’s also OK to send a message of condolence if that seems right for how you usually communicate with each other.

It’s usually best not to post or reply to a post on social media. Not everyone may know that the person has died yet. And it could be upsetting for someone to find out about it online. You also do not know how others may feel about online posts or photos of the person who’s died.

If you do not see or speak to someone often, you might want to write first or send a sympathy or condolence card.

Try not to worry about having to say the ‘right thing’. There are no perfect words. And nothing that you say can fix their grief.

What matters most is to acknowledge what has happened, and to let them know that you’re thinking about them.

It can be best to keep it simple and in your own words. Be honest and kind and let them know that you care.

Here are some examples of things that people have said they found helpful:

And then listen and follow their lead.

Try to avoid saying things that make it seem like you know how they’re feeling. Or saying things to try to make their grief ‘better’.

These are some examples of things that people tell us can be unhelpful:

However, we are all different. Be kind to yourself too and try not to worry if you think you’ve said the wrong thing. What matters is that you try.

It’s also OK to say that you’re finding it hard to know what to say. You can always say sorry if you think the words come out wrong.

Listen to how the bereaved person talks about what's happened and how they're feeling. Try to be led by them.

People can have different ways of talking about death. It might help to pick up on (or mirror) the words they use.

For example, they may say that the person has ‘passed’ or ‘passed away’. Or they may be more direct and use words like ‘dying’ or ‘died’. They may talk about ‘mum’ rather than ‘my mum’, or ‘granny’ or ‘nana’, or they may use the person’s name. Try to be guided by them.

It’s also best not to say anything that assumes they have a faith. So, it’s better not to talk about someone being in a ‘better place’ or ‘heaven’.

Listen and let them talk if they want to. You may sense that they do not want to talk any more, or they might try to change the subject. So, try to be guided by them.

Part of being a good listener can mean allowing someone to become upset and cry. Try not to rush them by saying “I don’t want to upset you”.

It can also be upsetting for someone who’s been bereaved, to feel like people are avoiding using the name of their loved one. Or to feel like people are avoiding talking about them. It can make it harder for them to talk about them and express their grief.

Being with someone and allowing them to get emotional or upset can be difficult. But it can be so supportive for the person who’s been bereaved.

So, if you sense that someone wants to talk and express their feelings, give them the space.

For some people, it can be comforting to hear memories of happy times with the person who’s died. And it can be comforting too if you use their name when you talk about them.

When you first get in touch with someone after a bereavement, you may want to offer help or support.

“Let me know if you need anything" or "you know where we are” are things we often say. It can be more helpful to ask someone what they need. Or offer practical suggestions. It could be help with the school run, walking the dog or picking up food shopping.

Or you could:

This can be better than putting pressure on the bereaved person to get back in touch.

Grief is overwhelming and at first someone may reject offers of help. It might be because they do not want to make a fuss or maybe there’s just too much going on. They also may not be ready to go into public spaces or risk meeting other people.

Without putting any pressure on them, you might want to ask them again later.

It’s usually best to keep it simple. Acknowledge what has happened and express your sympathy. You might say, for example, “I am so sorry to hear the sad news that [name] has died. Sending heartfelt condolences.”

If you want to write more, you might want to share a memory. It could be something funny, or something kind, clever or helpful that you will remember them for. If it seems right, you may want to acknowledge the closeness of their relationship.

You may want to send the person flowers or something else to let them know that you care.

It can be traditional to send flowers — either to their home or to send condolence flowers for the funeral service.

However, whether you send flowers can also depend on what you know about them personally and the wishes of their family. Often people will say whether they’d like flowers at a funeral service or they may suggest a donation to a charity. Whether or not they would like flowers can also depend on their faith or culture.

Other things you may want to think about sending to someone who’s grieving include:

What feels appropriate will depend on the person who has been bereaved.

Some people find comfort in raising funds for a charity that helped the person who died. If you feel able to do this, Marie Curie offers several ways to support us and help others affected by terminal illness. To find out more, visit marie.curie.org.uk/in-memory or call our Supporter Relations team on 0800 716 146.

People from different faiths and cultures may have their own ways of responding to death and grief.

If you are not sure what is appropriate, it can be helpful to ask or follow the lead of the bereaved person and their family.

Talking to a child about death can feel especially difficult. Being honest, using simple language and answering questions in an age-appropriate way can help.

Grief does not have a timeline, and people often need support long after the funeral has passed. We have more guidance on how you can support someone with their grief in the longer term.