"Paul could really be himself at the hospice"

"The only time that he felt he could really be himself was in the hospice in the last few weeks of his life.

"It was lovely for him, because he could put his arm around Radj and they could smile together and Paul didn’t have to hide it.”

That's how Pamela Chidwick describes brother Paul's experience at the Marie Curie Cardiff and the Vale Hospice in his final weeks.

Until then, Paul, originally from Penarth, who had been living in Indonesia, never talked about his sexuality, says Pamela.

She has spoken as issues faced by the LGBT community in accessing end of life care are due to be discussed in Cardiff Bay, after a report by Marie Curie found nearly three quarters are not confident that their needs and circumstances will be treated sensitively.

The report – Hiding who I am:  Exposing the reality of end of life care of LGBT people ‑ was released by the charity, which provides care and support through terminal illness, this summer, and a lecture following hard on its heels will take place on November 15 at the Pierhead building in Cardiff Bay to discuss the issues with experts in the field.

The report found that as a result of the lack of confidence, LGBT people often delay accessing the care they need and are more likely to experience unmanaged symptoms and pain at the end of their lives. 

The report looks at the barriers that prevent LGBT people from accessing end of life care and highlights their real-life experiences, drawing on interviews with LGBT people living with a terminal illness, and their partners.   

Pamela, also from Penarth, says the fears described in the report were certainly true for her brother Paul Chidwick, who was cared for at the Penarth hospice before his death from cancer of the mouth and face in January this year.

Paul, originally from Penarth, had been living in Indonesia when he travelled back to Wales over concerns about his health. 

“Paul never talked about the fact that he was homosexual. I think he believed that he wouldn’t be received well because of his sexuality.  He wouldn’t have said anything about being gay because he was afraid and he was worried that people wouldn’t accept it or understand. 

“I first knew about his illness in November 2014. When I questioned him about it he wouldn’t discuss it with me, he was in denial about it. It was a raw subject. I begged him to come home to get it looked at but he would just get angry. If only he had come straight away. He came over in October 2015 and he was here in the UK for three days before he was diagnosed with cancer. I think deep down he must have known. The thing in his face was dreadful, I’ve never seen anything like it.” 

Pamela said that the treatment that her brother received at the hospice allayed the initial fears Paul held over his end of life care. With the support of the Marie Curie Hospice, Paul’s partner of 24 years, Radjawana Tjalla, was eventually granted an expedited visa so that he could travel from Indonesia to be with his loved one in his final weeks. 

“The staff at the hospice were brilliant with Radj and the care that Paul received was amazing," said Pamela.

"They embraced it. It was no different than if it had been husband and wife.  It didn’t have any bearing on the care he received. I told him ‘Nobody is judging you or saying anything’ and he smiled and raised his eyes because he didn’t realise it would be like this.  He was very grateful.

 “It’s sad, in a way, because he had always led a sort of secret life; he had to lead a secret life in Indonesia too, really. The only time that he felt he could really be himself was in the hospice in the last few weeks of his life. It was lovely for him, because he could put his arm around Radj and they could smile together and Paul didn’t have to hide it.”

Dr Richard Harding, of King’s College London, will give the keynote speech at the Issues Faced by the LGBT Community in Accessing End of Life Care  lecture in The Pierhead, Cardiff Bay. 

This will be followed by a panel discussion with Andrew White, director of Stonewall Cymru, Emma Walters, chair of the ABMU LGBT Staff+ Network and Jenny Anne-Bishop, a transgender activist. 

All lectures begin at 6.30pm, preceded by a drinks reception at 6pm. 

All the lectures are free and open for anyone interested to attend, but registration is essential.   

To register, please visit www.mariecurie.org.uk/WelshLectures